The Pop Corporation

Dolly Parton is – and lets make no bones about this – a legend. Over 130 million records sold, the writer of iconic hits, she’s also good people – a philanthropist you could say. One of her charities have given 182 million free books to kids that need them, she pays for the college tuition for all Dollywood employees, got Jeff Bezos to pledge most of his $122 billion fortune to good causes, paid for the musical instruments and uniforms for countless band and choir students at predominantly black high schools in the States, donated $1 million of her money to research a COVID 19 vaccine, helped to save the bald eagle as a thing… and all with almost zero fanfare.

She’s incredibly talented, funny, witty, smart and a good person. So, with that, like any other rotten publication with its head in the gutter, we’re here to talk about her breasts.

You see, despite all her incredible achievements, we’re all just so interested in those breasts of hers aren’t we? Even though, thanks to the miracle of the internet we have access to endless pairs of very naked mammaries, we just can’t stop looking at those that belong to a 76 year old woman who has done more for the world than the rest of us put together.

Even though she wrote ‘I Will Always Love You’, an enduring ballad about the heart-wrenching decision to walk away from a relationship that just can’t work, delivered in plain speaking poetry that tears any functioning heart in two, here she is, rejecting speculation about the weight of her two breasts.

The news is that the did not ‘break’ her back. She’s a small woman, you see? But she has enormous breasts, so obviously, the sheer volume of them must have cracked her bones like a Glo-Stick, leaving Dolly hunched over with a broken spine, still gamely trying to change people’s lives through her amazing songwriting and charity work.

In an interview, addressing the rumours: “Oh, heavens, I’ve heard everything. There was one time Enquirer magazine (said) that my boobs were so heavy that they had broken my back down and that I couldn’t get up, that I was going to be crippled for the rest of my life! And I thought, well, they are big and they are heavy, but I can still get around… I’m doing all right!”

See? Even in the face of absolute nonsense, she’s an absolute dream. Dolly is teflon and our bullshit will just not stick to her. And good for her – she’s doing more than alright.