The Pop Corporation

Some people want to be DJs because they want to share all the music they love with other people. Some people want to become a celebrity. Then, there’s Chris Moyles and we’re not sure what he wants. Does he remind you of one of those lads who turns up half-way through a gig with 7 pints in plastic cups talking super loud because he’s absolutely unaware of his surroundings. Not even a clout chaser – just really, really knuckleheaded with the volume turned up.

Well, he’s been at it again, saying stuff that is mildly provocative and then probably going ‘WHAAAAT?‘, y’know like Jimmy Carr used to do when he went close to the bone? People are irritated (which will be read as ‘offended’ of course – that’s discourse in 2023 isn’t it? Someone says ‘Oh fuck off would you?’ and the other party says ‘GOD EVERYONE’S SO OFFENDED’, because someone returns fire and the instigator ultimately becomes offended – it’s incredibly tedious isn’t it?) and let’s get into it now.

On his Radio X show (a station for people who don’t like music) he said that “most unsigned musicians [are] crap”.

Okay. We’ve all seen a crappy unsigned band in our time, but mostly, we keep that kind of searing tepid take to ourselves because y’know, when you love music and realise that most people are just wanting to put something good into the world and try and make our surroundings a nicer place with tunes, we privately cluck about how That Band Wasn’t Very Good, but we don’t get a megaphone and stand outside their houses telling them to give up, right?

So what prompted this little aside? Well, Moyles was criticised for not giving upcoming artists enough time on his morning show. Now, obviously, anyone expecting Chris Moyles to do the digging on new music is a fool to themselves. He’s akin to a Tesco Value Howard Stern isn’t he? It’s more a cult of personality, rather than giving your time to someone who has done the deep dives on Discogs, right? Not necessarily a criticism, but in fairness, we did say that the music he plays is akin to not music. We’re all as bad as each other, venting spleen aren’t we?

Anyway, new music? The I’m A Celeb contestant said “that’s not what this show is all about”.

He did a mewing impression of people moaning, before adding “and the real reason is, and this will blow their tiny minds and they’ll hate this, the reason why we won’t play unsigned bands is because – and there are exceptions to the rule – but the main reason is that most unsigned bands are crap.”

“I’m sorry, but that’s the truth.”

Now, is that insensitive? Sure. Did it need saying? Probably not. Has Chris Moyles ever been worth listening to when it comes to music? Not really. Is he worth listening to when he tries to avoid paying tax and taking out a court order to try and stop the press from reporting on it because he thinks it would be an infringements of his human rights? Yep. Should we have heard him when he said he couldn’t wait to take Charlotte Church’s virginity when she turned 16?

Anyway, whatever. Moyles is probably listening to ‘Mama Do The Hump’ and ‘She’s Electric’ in his massive house stood next to his kitchen island, thinking about texting Richard Hammond, and generally not arsed either way. People are talking about him, not the music maaaaaan, and that’s the thing he’s hired to do, so y’know, a loss all ’round eh?