The Pop Corporation

We told you there’d be a gig for Prince Charles‘ transformation into King Charles III Rex or whatever he’s called now. We predicted that Jess Glynne would be asked because, well, just listen to her.

Well, we’ve had some confirmations. Let us go through them in list form, and then write down what we think of each performer because not all performers are created equal are they?

ANDREA BOCELLI

Italian, so y’know, used to dealing with literal fash sorts so Charlie probably seems quite benign in comparison. He gets wheeled out for just about any event that has a couple of dignitaries at, so we can’t bring ourselves to care enough on this occasion.

TAKE THAT

Gary fucking Barlow, eh? Absolutely champing at the bit to sidle up next to anyone who might be able to rub off some influence on him in his bid to become Sir Gary, or at least aim for National Treasure status. Sadly, those who desperately clamour for this kind of thing don’t become National Treasure (take note, David Beckham and James Corden), rather, it’s something the people bestow on you, like The Big Yin or David Attenborough, the latter actually snagging a Lordship. Who knows if Take That will appear as a threesome, foursome, or a fivesome. Let’s hope they wiggle their arses with some jelly in the crack.

KATY PERRY

Look, Katy Perry’s biggest gig lately (and regrettably for her, her best track in yonks) was the JustEat adverts. She’s American, so she probably quite likes all that Royal Family stuff and finds our fascination with them impossibly charming, so you can’t really be mad that she’s took this gig. She’ll do ‘Fireworks’ as some literal fireworks go off, you’d imagine. Hope she comes out dressed as a Queen and causes some kind of protocol stir amongst the Blue Bloods.

LIONEL RICHIE

You feel like Lionel should know better, don’t you? However, at 73 years old, he’s probably not arsed about anything anymore and will be happy to be getting a plumb gig on TV, broadcast worldwide. That said, Lionel became the first global ambassador for Charles’ charity The Prince’s Trust in 2019, so whatever. We hope he does ‘My Destiny’, just because it has the world’s smallest breakbeat in it.

FREYA RIDINGS, SIR BRYN TERFEL, ALEXIS FFRENCH

We don’t know these people. We suspect it might be classical music, which is a scene that’s absolutely riddled with Tories as it is (going to a gig in a tuxedo? Are you fucking kidding?), so doing a Coronation Show is just the ultimate in all of this. We did find out that Freya Ridings’ dad does the voice of the dad pig on Peppa Pig, so if you have a young child who can’t stop watching a pig that has two eyes on the same side of its head, do let us know if he’s one of the mellow ones on it, or irritating and posh. We simply have no intention of finding out ourselves.

WHEN IS IT? WHEN SHOULD I MAKE SURE I’M OUT?

The coronation will be on May 6th. The football is on on the same day, which whether you’re a football fan or not, means that everything hasn’t been cancelled for the Royals, which is good. We’re not quite North Korean levels of weird just yet. The gig will be in the grounds of Windsor Castle the day after on May 7th, so maybe book yourself somewhere nice to eat or something on that day. Maybe enjoy England’s great outdoors? Maybe a spot of vandalism or something?

THAT LOOKS LIKE AN UNDERWHELMING LINEUP BTW

Previously, Charles said that he would have liked Adele and Ed Sheeran on, proving that he likes a bit of Radio 2, eh? Sheeran politely said he was involved in other engagements on that day while the people’s champ, Adele, simply refused to respond to the request. There were Spice Girls rumours too, as well as Paul McCartney. We’ve not heard owt from either, but we hope they don’t. We’ll accept Geri doing an unhinged version of ‘Lift Me Up’ with some Beefeaters, and nothing else.