The Pop Corporation

It’s almost Eurovision time and, unless you’re the most boring snob on Earth, it’s a celebration of pop, togetherness, campness and crucially, crushing disappointment and outrage.

We enjoy the party atmosphere, and as this year’s is being held in Liverpool, you know it’s going to be a banger. We also enjoy yelling at the TV when a song we like doesn’t do as well as we think it should because of some drippy ballad. There’ll be misses, but there’s always hits.

With that, we’re going to go through some of the notable songs. Some because of the country performing them, others because we think they ought to do well (but might not – tactical voting hasn’t been wholly eradicated with the introduction of online votes from the public, even if it has added another dramatic element to the second half of the show).

So, pour a large glass of wine and let’s see what’s what.

UKRAINE

The winners of last year’s contest obviously couldn’t host this year because of the dreadful Russian invasion, so we expect this song to be very warmly received, regardless of whether anyone likes the song (see also: last year’s winner). The 2023 song from TVORCHI is called ‘Heart of Steel’ and is a reasonably rousing number. We prefer our Eurovision songs to reek of poppers a bit more than this, but we think this will be an emotional moment in the show.

FRANCE

France are a bit shit at Eurovision. It’s not their fault – they’re just a bit too cool for it aren’t they? Well, that all might change this year as they’ve combined three great things in one song; smokin’ chanteuse French singing from a hot person, dramatic strings like Conchita and that frail lad who won for Portugal a while ago, and importantly, a big drop for taking ecstasy tablets. Sung in French with an utterly fabulous wardrobe, this is an absolute powerhouse of a Eurovision entry and, if the live performance is good, could very easily win in a just world. What drama and elegance. Sign us up!

AUSTRIA

Teya and Salena are a lot of silly fun in a year that has a regrettable amount of soppy, overly earnest entrants. It’s a pacy affair and it has been grabbing attention for it’s remarkable opening line of “There’s a ghost in my body and he is a lyricist – it is Edgar Allan Poe and I think he can’t resist.” I mean, that’s what Eurovision is about right? It’s comfortingly annoying and will whip the room up no end. The success of this song depends entirely on where they are in the running order.

ISRAEL

This is going to be a hot favourite on the night, despite The Politics. Sometimes, when you’re listening to a Eurovision song, you’re absolutely crying out for a big, dirty, 4/4 wub, and get lumbered with a half-speed dubstep-lite thing. Well, with the ol’ one-two, Israel have a song that for all the word drops into a half-speed thing before going ‘you know what, fuck this, bring on the doof doofs!‘ Very good it is too. If this wins – and it might – we could well be chattering amongst ourselves about whoever finishes second, before booking any flights for next year. The singer looks like she was designed by some 14 year old boys as well, which will appeal to pretty much everyone tuning in.

UNITED KINGDOM

The UK has put forward a load of shite for years, even when it was hugely likeable polite performers who frankly didn’t deserve such low rankings. Last year, the UK finished second (hence getting to host this year) with a likeable song – however, Mae Muller is here with a song that is very worthy of a Eurovision party. It’s catchy, high energy, slightly catty – we are fans and Mae deserves a career on the Eurovision circuit at the very least. Will it win? Who can say, but for the first time in forever, this feels like the UK truly ‘getting’ Eurovision, and we’ll take that for starters.

SWEDEN

Loreen is Eurovision royalty regardless of what she does at the Liverpool show. ‘Euphoria’ is, by some distance, the finest Eurovision Song Contest entry of all time. This new one of hers, as she’s back for another bite at the candied apple, is no ‘Euphoria’, but it’s exactly as dramatic and large as you’d hope. The bookies favourite, but we’re not convinced it has the magic to land the top spot, but we’ve been wrong before and y’now, IT’S LOREEN FERCRYINOUTLOUD.

FINLAND

A tremendously irritating but regrettably fun entry from our Finnish cousins. Like a toytown Rammestein, we all know there’s a place for this kind of thing at Eurovision. The bookmakers fancy the chances of it too, so y’know, it might be easier to submit to this synth-metal-gabber thing than resist it. Of course, hurling abuse at the TV is all well and good, but this will have the room in Liverpool absolutely bouncing, and no mistake.

BELGIUM

This Belgian entry gets it. Imagine if some pop song decided to get bang into Chicago House and spit a song out for a total top to sing – that’s our Gustaph! Twitter will be alive with people shouting ‘I BEG’ and talking about wigs being snatched in a mildly uncomfortable appropriation of terms from the clubs, but we’ll overlook it for the evening and, more importantly, we MUST support big, dancefloor friendly bangers at Eurovision. We don’t think this will win, but a couple of bottles of Pinot Grigio in, there’ll be no better song on the night, and that definitely counts for something. If this does well, it’ll be justice for ‘What’s The Pressure’ which Laura Tesoro was so rudely denied with some years ago. Our favourite of Eurovision 2023 and you can quote us on that.

SLOVENIA

Some good looking lads in Harry Styles shirts, cod-rock and an uptempo pop backbeat? This could do quite well, honestly, even if the betting odds don’t necessarily agree (but the odds think Italy will do well, and that’s one of the most boring songs we’ve ever heard in our lives). What we like about this entry is that it’s sung in it’s native tongue, which is always one of the most enriching things about Eurovision. Could be a sleeper hit, this. Could sink without a trace.

CROATIA

Every year, we look forward to ‘the daft one’ or ‘the weird one’. Croatia have stepped up this year with a song that’s all over the place and features quite the ‘look’. Every Eurovision needs a WTF? moment, and what decides on a weird song’s success is whether it’s deemed sincerely strange or someone trying to hard. We’ll see with this one. Still, nice to have something berserk in the running order. Good ol’ European song contests!

NORWAY

Fancied by certain betting sorts, this is a big ol’ dramatic tribal drum power ballad thing. We don’t overly see the appeal but we certainly see the strength of the thing. This is one of those songs that wows the room and judges like, so could it win? Absolutely. Do we hope it wins? We’re saving ourselves for 4/4s, as usual.

POLAND

Poland have the most sounds like a song you’ll hear in a taxi while you’re on holiday track of this year’s Eurovision. Whether you think that’s a good thing is purely down to personal taste. It’s kinda cod-reggae, or at least cod-reggaeton, which is fun. They’ve found a hot thin girl to gyrate and she’s enough vocal fry to keep the kids happy. Will it win? Probably not, but it chugs. She’s also called Blanka, like the dude from Street Fighter.

AUSTRALIA

We’re over the conversation of ‘WHAAAAT?! AUSTRALIA ARE IN EUROVISION?‘ but what we’re not so surefooted about is their decision to send a softer version of… prog metal? Listen, dafter ideas have literally won at Eurovision in the past, and while every rock song at Eurovision has been largely annoying, at least it’s been good, camp fun. Is this? We don’t know. Could be a dark horse. Could be a total flop. Half decent odds if you’re a gambler.

SERBIA

Serbia have sent some goth who looks like they’ve been auto-generated by AI, and has the song to match! It’s sorta goth-EDM. It’s a bit stop-start, up-and-down, and honestly, we don’t really know what to make of it. He reminds us of that lad who was on X Factor who dressed up as a crow and weirded everyone out.

CZECHIA

Speaking of strange goth sorts, Czechia have a fun and weird little bop on their hands. The kind of unusual girls that’ll have thin hipped twinks from Spain to Slovakia clicking the air. It’s much more immediate and empowering than Serbia’s number and will surely get some vinegary giggles from the commentary box.

GERMANY

Germany are sending some very glamorous metal to the show, and while we’re 100% no arsed about the song itself, it’s a very strong look from all concerned, and that’s always fun. We’ve got little else to say about this other than don’t be surprised if it does well.

THE REST

Type in ‘Eurovision 2023’ into YouTube and you’ll find a complete playlist in there. There’s some tracks influenced by The 1975, some folk-pop, a raft of ballads and earnest stuff. It’s looking like it’ll be a really good year and we think the Scousers are going to put on one hell of a show. Get the dips and booze in, it’s going to be a fun one!