The Pop Corporation

When you go to your work’s Christmas party and get talking to Kevin from accounts for the first time, you get talking about music and he says he “likes a bit of rock” before telling you he’s seen Royal Blood more times than any other band, you’re like “huh?” then it kinda adds up.

That’s because Royal Blood are one of those bands that no-one you know likes, but seemingly sell a billion tickets and a shedload of albums. They’re like Ryvita. Who the fuck are all these people buying Ryvita? They’re out there though, making Ryvita the largest selling crispbread in the world, being eaten by people who have clearly decided that the feeling of a box that has somehow gone off, is exactly what’s needed.

And so, to Royal Blood. We’ve always suspected they were posh lads, and after a little hissy fit at the Radio 1 Big Weekend, we’re in no doubt. Quick, someone find out if they’ve literally got royal blood!

If you didn’t click the video and want to feel the sensation of your entire undercarriage trying to retract into your body, let’s see what they said to a bunch of excitable young people.

One of Royal Blood said: “Well, I should introduce ourselves considering nobody actually knows who we are. We are called Royal Blood and this is rock music. Who likes rock music? Nine people, this is brilliant.”

He continued: “We are having to clap ourselves because that was so pathetic.” Singing Royal Blood then spoke to one of the camera operators, and said: “Can you clap for us or are you busy?” He then told the audience, “Even he’s clapping, what does that say about you?”

The absolute state of it.

Then, the standing up one walked off stage and flipped the bird, not in a funny, rock ‘n’ roll way full of bile, but more like an entitled parent who just watched someone slap their bully of a son at a birthday party.

The one that holds drumsticks then imitated drawing a smile onto his face sarcastically, and the whole thing was a very cringe worthy, sad scene.

Seven songs they played. We suspect very soon, they’ll either double down or they’ll apologise blaming it on the exhaustion of being on the road a lot.

We’re hoping they double down and get pied off by everyone, because that’s funnier.

We sporadically get this from rock musicians and it’s quite comforting in its own embarrassing way, but when the Real Music Lads come up against some pop fans who really don’t have to be arsed about them politely applaud them rather than fawning like Top Gear Dads over Clarkson, they throw their toys out of the pram, reminding all and sundry just how low and toe-curling mid-tier rock musicians can be.