The Pop Corporation

Look, we’re no fans of festivals here but you might be, so go have your fun. You may have snagged yourself a Glastonbury ticket and wondering who to watch? Well, here’s who we’d watch if we could bare the thought of going to a festival (this isn’t Glastonbury-specific – we literally mean all festivals) or indeed, who we hope are on telly.

Also, let’s call it Glasto to annoy people. We’re clearly writing this in a cynical bid for traffic, but y’know, the tip-offs are the real deal. Let’s break it down day-by-day. Bands to look out for and people to avoid! IT’S FESTIVAL SEASON BABY!

FRIDAY

Friday looks a bit of a damp squib on the main stage, save for any last minute surprises. It’s looking a bit Real Music and may as well be sponsored by Brew Dog, what with Arctic Monkeys and Royal Blood heading things up. Maybe Royal Blood will be doubling down on this behaviour. However, Wizkid headlines the Other Stage, and Wizkid is brilliant. His set will be pure vibes and pure party. If you’ve peaked too early on the drugs, then Wizkid will ease you out of whatever hole you find yourself in. If you’ve timed your drug intake just right, this will be a blissfully joyful set.

Carly Rae Jepsen is also on in the afternoon on the Other Stage which is almost certainly going to be the most wholesome good time you can have over the weekend. The crowd will be super nice and mega devoted too. Expect sequins. Around the same time as Jeppo is Gabriels which is a show that’ll blow you away, no question. One of the hits at last year’s festival.

Warpaint are playing at something called the Woodsies and genuinely, they’re one of the most underrated guitar groups on Planet Earth, so if you’re in the vicinity, don’t miss them. The crowd may look a bit faux depressed, but that’s okay. Think of it as introspective while having a good time. Comet Is Coming are on the Park Stage with their futuristic jazz fusion, but our tip-offs offer a bit of a time table clash, so you’re on your own with that. The mighty and sorely undervalued Laura Mvula is over on the Avalon stage, and her last LP was wall-to-wall gold!

SATURDAY

It feels like Saturday is going to be all about Lizzo and Guns ‘n’ Roses, but you can keep them. Lizzo is fine and all and we genuinely wish her well, but the schtick is not to our taste. GnR can piss off though. Horrible band. If anyone is getting touched inappropriately while crowd surfing, it’ll almost certainly be during their set. The wondrous folkies The Unthanks are on the Other Stage on Saturday morning, which will be a gorgeous way to start the day. If you’re in need of an older person to ground you while you acid wears off, they’ll almost certainly be sat down watching The Unthanks and possibly give you a Belvita breakfast bar to see you right. Don’t worry, they’ve got a hundred of them in their camper van.

Lana Del Rey is headlining the same stage that day, which will surely be the most Instagrammable section of the weekend. That’ll be moody pop with the vaguest of hints of Tumblr BDSM-lite, and the crowd will be absolutely smitten. Should be fun! At Woodsies, headlining, is the utterly brilliant Christine & The Queens. Head there to get your head wrecked in the best possible way. Forceable, powerful, uplifting, stirring pop from one of the best young performers on the planet.

Melanie C is playing late on over at the Avalon Stage – stop pretending you don’t want to bop around to that one she did with Bryan Adams and that other one she did with Left Eye. That’ll be great and camp and exactly the kind of thing you should do at a festival because you’re not likely to do it anywhere else. There’s something called the Lonely Hearts Club too, where you can catch the immense Daniel Avery and his whip-smart techno, and Earl Sweatshirt has seemingly been snuck onto the line-up without anyone noticing.

SUNDAY

Elton John is closing the weekend, and sincerely, you’d be mad not to go to that. We’ll all be watching it on television, and if you’re there, you can crow about being there maaaaaan. Quite right too. Lil Nas X is on just before Elton on the main stage, which should make for a tremendously wonderful evening indeed. And Blondie before that?! You’ll have to time your toilet breaks well, that’s for sure. Around lunch on the Other Stage, you’ll find the wonderful Japanese Breakfast who has a mix of brooding bedroom pop and uplifting bangers. All the cool (but nice) kids will be there for that.

Candi Staton will be bringing soulful music and gospel gems on West Holts in the evening, around the same time as the legendary Barrington Levy. At Woodsies, Phoenix are headlining just after Caroline Polachek, which is a dynamite one-two if you’re avoiding the main stage. Earlier in the day is the delightful country-pop of CMAT, while The Park Stage sees the SHOULD BE HEADLINING Weyes Blood and the tremendously fun jazz-noodling of Thundercat.

If you’re with your mum and dad, or are of a mum and dad disposition yourself, then the Acoustic stage has the Bootleg Beatles and Gilbert O’Sullivan b2b. If you’re determined to finish all your drugs, then at Arcadia, Shy FX is DJing to churn your innards with incredibly heavy basslines, which should make for a turbulent drive home.

OTHER STUFF

You can check the full and latest line-up here. There’s obviously loads going on, from talks and activism bits (Led By Donkeys will be there) and workshops where you can learn some niche skills while trying to avoid a tricky comedown from sticking your finger in a random dude’s baggy while you were dancing near a taco stand. You can even have a gong bath at something called the Humblewell Retreat Yurt, when really, you should be having a proper bath because cleaning your undercarriage with baby wipes ain’t it, chief.

We’ve missed about 14 million stages off too, with some big names (Faithless and Orbital DJ sets, amongst others) so trying to fit everything in is a near impossible task.

Just try and stay calm amongst all the trust-fund luvvies and mildly predatory white lads with dreadlocks who will be trying to open more than your third eye, if you catch our drift. Obviously, there’ll be a lot of very nice people and a lot of fun music to watch, so the best tip is to avoid listening to complaining, nay-sayers like us.

It’ll be a blast and your legs are gonna be aching from all that walking. Enjoy getting as many steps in as you put your house keys up your nose.