The Pop Corporation

Let’s get the gags out of the way first, regarding the news that Toploader played the Conservative Party conference this week. Were they doing a set of their greatest hit? Arf.

It’s true though, that Toploader played at a party for awful, braying Tories. Various Tories and right-whingers shared clips of the group and had a good time. However, there is something dissect here and we’re going to do just that.

Booking entertainment for any political party must be a tricky job, because what band or artist would want to align themselves with a bunch of politicians? It’s got to be one of the most gruesome gigs in any annual planner of events. Add to that casserole, the Tories? History has shown the Conservative Party to be ruthless in the face of the arts, and we’re living in a time where venues are closing down, artists can’t tour Europe thanks to Brexit, spiralling rent and cost of living crises meaning that arts are on the back burner and draconian views on people from LGBTQIA+ groups, and horrific views on immigrants… well… if the arts are filled with liberal minded people, it’s got to be one of the toughest event planning jobs in the country.

“Hello? Is that a liberal musician? Hi, I’m calling about a really interesting opportunity for a show… won’t be a long one and you’ll be paid… what’s that? It’s for the Conservative Pa… hello? Well there’s no need for that language. Hello? sigh“

Sure, the entertainment booker for the Tories probably worked their asses off trying to land someone cool, and right at the end of a seemingly endless series of phonecalls, emails, after a firm but polite no after no, finally, a band who had a cover version get to number 19 in the charts in the year 2000 said they’d do it.

You can see the band playing at Manchester’s Blues Kitchen, who must be hoping no-one notices their name alongside both ‘Toploader’ and ‘Conservative Party conference’.

Imagine singing “we get it almost every night” to a bunch of people who enthusiastically clapped Suella Braverman talking about a “hurricane” of migrants, like she’s the new Enoch Powell. Everybody’s feeling warm and bright, eh lads?

And last year, they had Ella Henderson.

Of course, the Tories have form when it comes to getting down with Toploader, with an old clipping of the walking disaster that is Liz Truss saying she’d been getting down to Macy Gray, but also, ‘Onka’s Big Moka’.

So what do Toploader have to say about all this?

Over on Elon Musk’s flailing platform, they said: “For the record last night we played The Blues Kitchen in support of UK Music urging policy makers, whatever the party, to support the music industry so young people have an opportunity to succeed and that our live music venues continue to survive,” they wrote. “We fully support this…”

Whatever. The whole thing is so preposterous that it feels like a stunt conjured up by Led By Donkeys and Cold War Steve. It’s too on the nose. Imagining grim MPs and think-tank shits jiving in their lanyards while Toploader thank them sincerely as ‘Achilles Heel’ rings out above the canapés.

Still, things are looking up for Toploader, as one of their imminent gigs is playing the Christmas lights getting switched on in Lancaster. And, in the interests of fairness, they’re playing a show alongside the Labour Party conference next week. But that’s also shit. There’s no hiding from it lads. These are a bad scene.

Another future show is at Southend’s Chinnnerys, where they star on a poster alongside Pynk, Queenergy, The Simulation Muse, Special Kinda Madness, and Brucejuice: The Springsteen Tribute Band.

Look, it’s easy to mock small shows and doing the rounds on the toilet circuit, but if you’re going to willingly take a booking to play for a bunch of Tories, then you’re either okay with being in bed with them, or you’re woefully naive.

We eagerly await the clip where they used their platform to berate the Tories to their faces over the dismal job they’ve done this past 13 years, and how appalled they are with the stances, peerages, and racist dogwhistles. We’re sure it’s coming.