The Pop Corporation

Are you kidding? That’s too much music for one sitting. That’s too many songs at the same time to wade through. That’s like, a million tracks or something. There’s other music that needs listening to as well, right?

So, with that, let us simply guess what’s contained within these THREE albums all released at exactly the same time as each other, like we haven’t got things to do.

Firstly, we’re going to guess that some of it sounds half decent, which is annoying seeing as half the world decided he was annoying, and the other half suspect he might be a bad article. Of course, he’s still got legions of fans who we believe neither of the aforementioned things, but y’know, we’re not here to be factually correct, what with the premise of this being pure guesswork.

We assume there’s a feature from Future, because either Future can’t refuse a good paycheque, or it was recorded before Kendrick released the scorched Earth diss tracks against ol’ Aub’. Clearly, neither party is doing anything with the Kendrick line “you called Future when you didn’t see the club”, because lets face it, of all the criticisms of Drake that were offered, the suggestion that Future was being leaned on for club credibility is pretty low on the list.

With all that in mind, we’re also going to assume there isn’t a single review of any of these albums that doesn’t mention Kendrick Lamar or the word ‘diss track’ at least once.

We have seen the cover art for these albums and, seeing as one of them is a sequinned glove like Michael Jackson wore, we can assume two things – one is that some Drake fans will be perhaps talking about some arbitrary chart or sales record that Drake is looking to break, like he’s the new MJ. The second is that we’re assuming that the discourse is going to revolve around the various rumours about Michael Jackson liking them young, and given the accusations levelled at Drake, that is an incredibly bold move on the Canadian’s part.

Oh, PartyNextDoor is almost certainly a feature somewhere in this sprawling number of songs that has just been released.

For all the material – which we suspect that a quarter of them are complete ass, there’s a handful that sound like they’ll pop off in the bars and clubs, and the rest is adequate rap with an annoyingly catch hook or chorus.

We reckon there’s a number of tracks that have beat-switches on them. That’s been a feature on his records for a while now. We’ll have a stab and say a third of them work, and the rest are just okay.

With three albums, you imagine he’s split the three versions of Drake’s persona up – a rap one, an R&B one, and then the one where he says ‘ting’ more, so pop fans can focus on one release, the rap fans another, and… dunno… whoever else is left can focus on that one. Maybe it’ll let people focus on Vulnerable Drake and Cocksure Drake. Yeah, lets go with that.

Of course, it is very fashionable to pick on Drake these days – but let us not forget that he genuinely had a moment where it felt like he could do no wrong, and if you were a DJ in the last ten to fifteen years, your set had multiple Drake tracks in it, and people almost foamed at the mouth given the chance to yell “I tell her, ‘Only partly. I only love my bed and my mama, I’m sorry’”. Will he capture that feeling again? Maybe. Some people – even those who enjoy ‘the beef’ – simply don’t give enough of a shit about anything, and are just here for the tunes, whoever does them.

So, three albums at once – maybe it is an act of generosity to his fans and evidence of a wealth of material – maybe it’s little more than a thing to scam the streaming numbers.

Whatever. Drake had an ice sculpture. Now he’s got three new albums to plough through. Someone else tell us what the good ones are, because we can’t be arsed making our way through all those songs.